My Doubt and My Heels

It wasn't because of my adorable 5" heels that I nearly fell in front of our church congregation yesterday, although I'm sure it appeared that way.  

Not actually my heels but super cute!

And while my heels are normally an asset, bringing my fun-sized self to eye-level with normal-sized folks, my heels became a dangerous liability, causing me to giggle and snort at what could have been an embarrassing moment.

Each week I go forward to pray with people.  It's a somber time.  

As our pastor called us 'Prayer Warriors' forward, I slipped out of my seat and attempted to walk down the aisle and had no idea that my left leg had fallen asleep.   There were no tingles, pins and needles, or pain.  I took my first step and my arms flailed as my rubbery leg buckled.  I desperately clung to the side of my pew. I tried again with similar results. By this time I heard gasps around me and snickers from the high school girls behind me.  The pastor later told me that he was thinking, "Uh oh.  Down she goes..."  But he didn't skip a beat and continued with the altar call.  

I clutched the sides of the pews as I forced my 'Gumby legs' to walk the few yards up to my 'spot'.   A few years ago, I would have been humiliated but at this point, I was simply relieved that I didn't break an ankle! 
  

 If stumbling down a church aisle is the most humiliating situation I have to face, I'm lucky.  

I found it impossible to pray as I attempted to stifle my giggles and repress the mental playback.  I was terribly relieved that no one came forward for prayer.  I'm awful - I know! 

There have been many occasions where I've desired to be courageous in my faith but my heart is rubbery and worthless.  It's fallen asleep or is paralyzed and I don't even realize it.  Occasionally has been a result of due to lack of forgiveness toward someone or bitterness but more often than not, it's my lack of belief in God.  I doubt his love and concern.  I doubt his willingness to engage.  I doubt our relationship.  I doubt his power.  I confront an obstacle and instead of being fierce in my faith, my heart goes numb. I want to hide from situations that challenge me.

 A situation I don't understand.  

A pain that seems unfair. 

 A relationship that continuously causes pain to people I care about.  

Fear.  Insecurity.  Darkness.

A temptation that sinks it's claws into my back 

regardless of how many times I beat it off or how hard I pray.

When I allow my heart to stay paralyzed, I'm unable to fully love God or others, I teeter and stumble through life, hurting others around me with my flailing emotions.  Slowly, one step at a time, God continues to grow me in my belief by standing on these promises:

1) God is who He says He is.

2) God can do what He says He can do.

3) I am who God says I am.

4) I can do all things through Christ.

5) God's Word is alive and active in me.

While doubt is normal, it is never to be our norm.  Faith is a constant wrestle with doubt which is why a faith-filled life is such an adventure.  It's easier to trust our broken sinful selves than the awesome and perfect God who created us.  But by reminding myself of the belief truths I shared above, I keep my heart soft, my legs strong, and my faith from being weak.  "I can do all things through Christ..."  



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One of my all-time favorite resources on having a powerful faith - Believing God, by Beth Moore.  I've completed the study version 4+ times because I need the continuous reminders!

Question:  What causes you to doubt God?