Ring-a-Ding-Ding

For the past seven years I have refused to wear my wedding ring.  When asked about it, I would mumble some response that spoke of the young girl who originally wore the ring.  She was evil.  So I killed her and buried her with the ring in the back yard.  It's a partial truth.

The real truth is that I was naive, selfish and stupid when I got married.  I'm embarrassed by the girl I was.  I remember her only when walking past her tombstone in the graveyard of my heart and try not to blush or give into the temptation feel shame.   For the record - I wasn't a monster, usually.  I just didn't have good relationship tools, I was young, and I was very immature. 

Our wedding day!

Over the years, God has done major renovation on my heart.  And it's hurt.  A lot.  Renovation is hardly a clean business.  It's the breaking and removal of something old to rebuild something new.  Honestly, heart renovations are about as exciting as root canals, but they are a mandatory removal of decay and rot.  

The truth about my wedding ring is that it symbolizes pain, hurt, frustration, and betrayal.   The first decade of marriage was dark and a dark and damaging hurricane which left piles of debris, brokenness, and fallout covering what could have been a lovely landscape.  There were occasional sunbursts through the stormy clouds, encouraging my heart and soul.  

While divorce sounded like a good option, I knew I couldn't follow through.  He're just a few reasons why...

1) I didn't want the devil to get the 'W' in our marriage.  I'm just that defiant.  

2) I felt called to walk in faith like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who refused to kneel before a gold idol, even if it cost their lives.  Because of their faith and God's mighty power, God spared them as they walked in the midst of the fire. There wasn't a single hair singed and a nation was transformed.  

In my case, my idol is self, surrounded by lots of little idols like entitlement, comfort, and self-centered preservation, escape, deserving happiness, etc.  These are all American dreams.  They are also American lies.  Who says we deserve any of these things?  What my sinful heart really deserves is Hell.  Seriously.  And yet, it's the journey of walking through fires that feel like Hell that refine me for Heaven. 

3) If I opted out of faith in my marriage, I would rob myself of marriage miracles.  Divorce wouldn't end our relationship - Cliff and I still share children. We would always have to engage in relationship.  Our kids would be robbed of seeing our fight for our family and the resulting miracles of faith in God's love- not each other's. 

Photo Scavenger Hunt

I was desperate to see these miracles too.  And miracles have happened.  Little ones that slowly heal the heart.  

God is a God of process.

Baby steps.

Moments of joy and laughter.

Rest.

Healing.

Kind words and soft touches.

A breaking and slow dissipation of the storm clouds.

Revealing flaws, faults, and weaknesses in order to bring healing, restoration, and strength.

Following proper renovation procedure.  

A few years later, Cliff and I signed up for a marriage conference with some of our friends.  As I excitedly packed my bags, I decided wear my wedding ring in celebration of our journey thus far.  Our marriage was finally at a place where we were healing and growing in critical areas.  We were both fighting for unity.  Yet the instant I slipped my wedding ring on, my throat constricted, tears filled my eyes, and I felt instant anxiety and stress.  The instant flood of emotions filled my mind with images of pain.  I hated looking at that ring.

I placed it back in the jewelry box and went to the marriage conference without it.  It was forever buried in the backyard of my heart.  I knew I'd never wear it again.

So I became more determined to show evidence of God's work in my marriage.  Ring or not.

I determined that every morning as I awoke, with a naked finger, that I had a choice.   Every morning I could be the best wife possible without feeling that it was obligation or burden.  Ring or not.  Or I could be bitter.

I knew that as I practiced active faith and passionately loved God, my marriage would grow, I would have a more powerful prayer life, that healing and renewal would come.

I determined to care less what other people thought and more about what God thought, knowing my selfishness and pride would have to continuously burn away as I learned to walk in God's promises of blessing, peace, and love.  

God continuously renewed my spirit and when I gazed at my naked ring finger, I knew that someday I was going to have a good story to tell.     A God-sized love story.

Recently I sat at coffee with my girlfriend, Tina, who asked about my naked ring finger, knowing that Cliff and I had just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary.  We have a healthy and growing marriage (not without daily struggles- as all marriages do!), three amazing boys, and are both heavily involved in the community and church.

In her spunky yet loving way she reminded me that she too has to wake up every morning and make a choice to be a good wife.  She can choose not to.  And yet she wears her ring.  It's a symbol to the world that she's fighting for marriage.  She suggested that Cliff and I trade in our rings since we had no intention of ever passing them along to our children.

So I thought about it.

Me.  "Cliff, where's your wedding ring?"
Cliff.  "I think it's in the bathroom drawer."
Me.  "How about we trade our rings in for some simple bands?"
Pause.
Cliff.  "Does it really mean that much to you?"
Me.  "No.  But maybe it should.  Rings do carry strong symbolism in our culture and this is where God put us."

So we did.

Then we signed the Marriage Covenant that we received after renewing our vows at a Weekend to Remember this past November, three years after attending the first marriage conference.  We said our vows in a conference room with hundreds of other couples facing each other - heart to heart.  It rained outside.  We had no family around to witness our tears. Our smiles.  Our kiss.

I had kept the Marriage Covenant in hiding so it wouldn't wrinkle.  I finally framed and hung it on the wall but it remained unsigned.  For no good reason.  Tina threatened to mock me if she ever discovered it hanging in our house, unsigned.  I laughed with her at the ridiculousness of the situation, attempting to joke about this unsigned piece of paper that somehow meant the world to me.

I found a pen and we signed the covenant.

It's not a fresh start.  It's just a step forward.  Like every day.  

And while our first decade of marriage is better left buried until God needs us to use it to encourage others, there is much to celebrate in our home, the lives of our beautiful boys, and in God's guidance through our various seasons of life.

There is much to celebrate as Cliff and I learn to laugh together more and rejoice in each new marriage milestone.  We have a long way to go, and someday, just maybe, we'll trade in our simple silver rings of the moment, for something more extravagant down the road.

Or maybe not.  

And we'll just remember the hard work, the determination, and gift of God who provided enough strength to make it through each day.  And our simple silver rings will be just enough.



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Here's some resources that have impacted our marriage:
*Marriage Retreat - A Weekend to Remember by Family Life
*Boundaries In Marriage, by Cloud & Townsend
*The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman (book, site, & resources!)


Question: What drives you (married folk) to fight for your marriage?