Overthinking Nightmares and Death

Last night I dreamt that I was in a house in the woods. The dogs outside were barking in alarm, as if something was coming closer and closer.  The dogs got louder and louder.

Being the fearless beast I am, I decided to go outside to investigate.  I was in the woods, blanketed by dark.  This was not an ordinary dark where creepy shadows dance.  This was a black dark.  A blanket over your head dark.  

And since  I couldn't find the door that I had just exited, I started feeling my along the wall, hoping to find the back door.  But I had to hurry.  The dogs' barking became louder and more fierce with urgency.  I began to run.  

Something was near.  Something was behind me.  I could feel it. 

Then I woke up.

I stared my bedroom ceiling for a few moments.  Since I was awake, I began over-analyzing different areas of my life, searching for anything that may be causing me fear.   

Why was I frantic?  Am I feeling frantic?

 Is there an 'unknown' in my life that I'm fearful of?

  

Do I need to shed some light into a dark corner of my heart? 

I try not to get out of bed, as a rule of thumb.  I snuggle under my comforter, watch shadows dance on the wall, and listen to the peaceful and rhythmic breathing of my husband sleeping next to me.  I try not to get jealous. 

Laying there in the quiet is a perfect setting for over-think things.  It's what I do.  It's also a major source of stress that causes health issues so I'm working on NOT over-thinking things.  

I was relieved to find myself at peace with my life.  There may be situations that I don't understand or relationships that scramble my brains - there always will be - but the conversations, peace-making, leading, parenting and marriage situations that I was responsible for, I was at peace with, regardless of how flawed my efforts were. 

This leaves me to contemplate the only issue I continuously wrestle with.  (Well, one of them, I suppose.)  This particular issue taunts me and snickers every New Year's Eve.  It's the issue of death.  Now, I'm not afraid of dying -I know where I'm going but I do worry a bit about how I'll die.  Oh, let me count the ways!  Just kidding.  I can't think about it or I'll stress myself out.  

My core issue is this tension in my heart - on one side I'm responsible for being the best mom, wife, steward of my talents and resources knowing that God is in control.  This should bring me peace, joy, contentment with who I am knowing that I have a long way to go - a lump of clay being shaped each day into something more beautiful.   

On the other side is this constant pull to do more, better, work harder, and not be such slacker in certain areas of my life. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'm not fully living.  Of not loving people as well as I should.  Of missing opportunities to encourage.  Of not fully exploiting the skills and talents God has given me.  Of not making the impact on the world that I should.  I fear missing something...

But the battle between head and heart is a fierce one.  In my head, I know what God's character is good and he'll direct the steps I take but my heart yearns to control.  So I preach the good news to my heart.  

God is good, always good.

I can trust His character.  

I can trust His love.  

I can trust that He has everything under control.  He's shown this to be true over and over again in my life.

   I have no reason to doubt.

So while I run in the dark of my dreams, feeling urgency and tension in my heart, I pray that the running will eventually become more of a joyful journey and that when all is said and done, I will hear His mighty voice say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

A few fantastic resources:
*A video teaching from North Point- I Got This addresses our struggle for control in our circumstances and relationships.
*Article from Village Church - Assurance of Salvation addresses how to know if you are really a Christ-follower (saved / eternally secure)


Question:   What tensions in your life wake you up at night?  How do you find resolution?