The Dangers of Conditional Love

Several years ago, we were removed from some friends 'let's hang out!' list.  There was no fight, falling out, or confrontation.  There was only silence.  

Our regular visits shifted to a hug at the annual work Christmas party.  I would often pass our friends' house as I neared the grocery store, only to find various cars in the driveway where our cars once sat.  It stung.  Without getting into too much detail, we knew we weren't the fun people to be around anymore -we weren't amused by the same old things and grew weary of watching repeated overindulgence.   We were going different directions in life but were still hurt by the sudden silence.

It's natural for so many of us to have bent or broken definitions of love and friendship.  No matter how much our parents loved us as children, their love was flawed.  No matter how much our spouses and friends love us, their love is flawed.  No matter how hard we try to love others, our love is flawed.  We may look out for and fight for the other person's best interests for a while, but our default will always be 'self'.  Our culture (and human nature) have conditioned us to say:

I want...

I should have...

I deserve...

I'm entitled to...

I'm uncomfortable so I won't...

It's not fair...

Since this is the norm, even if we resist, it's so easy to be self-centered in our relationships.  Now I'm NOT saying we shouldn't, as living and breathing human beings, have healthy needs and legitimate desires.  We absolutely need to identify and communicate these in a healthy way.  (I'm sure I'll address those in a future blog.)  What I'm addressing here are the hangups that keep us from loving others in a healthy way.

If we aren't careful, we begin to love other people based on what they add to our lives- what they do for us and the joy they bring us.  We value them because they bring value - fun, money or resources, companionship, contacts or network opportunities, memories, etc.  We value them based on the value they provide, not because they are simply a valuable being.  We view them as a commodities, not people.

When we view people as commodities, our joy is disturbed when the other person has a bad day, week, month or year.  They aren't as valuable when they are mentally, physically, or emotionally unable to add pleasure to our lives.  We don't like this.

In many friendships, when someone ceases to bring the other person joy, comfort, pleasure, or ease - that friend is allowed to 'slip off the radar' and not make the invite list for the next function.  This type of friendship is shallow and and unhealthy.  It doesn't provide room for truth, forgiveness, growth, patience, and understanding.  

In marriages, when a spouse ceases to bring the other person joy, comfort, pleasure, or ease - the under-performing spouse can then be easily abused and manipulated emotionally, dismissed or brushed aside.  It's this self-centered love that ends hundreds of marriages every day.

This is called 'conditional love'.  Conditional love isn't love at all...   

It's a performance-based acceptance.  "If you do ____, then I'll ____."  

The troubles with this type of love are:

1) We rob ourselves of real relationships.  Our shallowness is obvious to others, even if we try to deny it to ourselves. We will find ourselves yearning for connection.

2) We've allowed our worlds to become too small and it's hard for another soul to stay there with us.  Inevitably they will flee from our crisis, goals, drama, or shallow fun and explore new goals, ideas, directions, and passions that may or may not include us.  We will find ourselves lonely.

3) Self-centered relationships will cause pain to ourselves and the other people.  This is the way that selfishness works.  We will find ourselves hurting.

5)  Other people will feel a need to perform or walk on egg shells to coddle fragile emotions.  This is exhausting.  We will find ourselves craving authenticity.

To truly love someone else, is to see them as a breathing, bleeding, thinking, and feeling human being.   Someone who's heart bursts with joy and cries into their pillow at night in pain.

To truly love someone and to value them appropriately also requires a firm grasp on one's own value.  We can't give away what we don't own.

To truly love someone is to take the good days with the bad ones.  The good years with the bad years.  To ask questions, seek clarification, and seek the other person's best.  To hug, listen, and share.  Even when they don't or can't.

This type of love is unnatural but nothing worth having comes easy.

We are unworthy of God's perfect love and yet he gives it freely.  We are unworthy of His ongoing grace but He gives that freely too.

He has created us in his own image - as valuable beings with purpose, creativity, love, passion, a hatred for evil, an ache to make a difference and be known.  We are created to belong, to be loved, to engage, and to think.  We may grapple with each area of our being, but we're no less valuable.  God sees our grappling and we're no less valuable in his eyes.  In fact, he helps us grapple some more.  'He comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable.'  I didn't make that up that last sentence. Some other genius did.  But the gist is powerful - you never grow, learn, or move forward with purpose when you shield an idolize your personal comfort.

Knowing that the Almighty God of the Universe loves his flawed creation, how can we be so arrogant to hold back love from others in the moments that they cease to bring us laughter?  In the moments they cease to make us happy?  In the moments they address tough issues?  

Question:  What makes you hold back love from others?  (We all do it in some capacity...)