Wrestling with Convictions

I sat in my armchair gazing out the window, watching the leaves, the cars, the joggers, the clouds, but really not staring at anything in particular.   Cliff walked in the room, paused to look at me and then looked out the window.  After a few moments he looked back at me in curiosity. 

He looked out the window again, searching for whatever was holding attention.

Cliff. "What are you looking at?"

Me.  "Nothing."

Cliff.  "What are you doing?"

Me. "Just thinking."

Cliff.  "You need to look out the window to think?"

Me.  "Yep."

He gave me one more curious glance then walked to the other room.


My office windows are rarely closed.  I love seeing what's happening outside.  Watching the weather.  Mentally applauding the walkers and runners of the world.

Every morning, my sanity is found in the early hours - the stolen moments of time before the boys get up- when I read, study, write notes, and listen to podcasts.  Then I chew on the information while staring out the window.

During the Spring and Summer months, happy leaves dance on the trees that line the street behind our house.   When the leaves turn glorious shades of orange and red during the Fall months, my thinking becomes deeper, more urgent as I feel the year drawing to an end.  In the winter, the trees stand proudly naked, flexing their strong branches in the dark and foggy morning air.  I can barely see anything in the darkness of morning  but I look anyway.  I need to.

photo: pixabay

I need to remind myself that the world is so much bigger than my little existence.

I need to see the changing of the seasons to remind me that my every day is important.

I need the stillness of each morning to ready myself for the busy day to come.

I need time to think and drink deeply of wisdom that isn't my own twisted version.

I need quiet in my heart to hear the voice of my Savior.  My Friend.

I need to give my mind the opportunity to preach to my heart- calling out missteps, misthoughts, and poor intentions.  I need my my mind's preaching to spear truth through my tumultuous and deceitful emotions.

And I usually find myself in imaginary conversations, debating issues that can often become heated -even in my mind.  I'll play the devils advocate against myself then argue each point until I'm nearly pissed off.

Then I pause the conversation, take a deep breath, and focus on the trees.

I gather my thoughts and come up with stronger arguments.  I'll argue as many angles as possible and conclude the conversation with a win or mental handshake if no resolution is to be found.   And often there is none.  But my convictions are stronger, clearer, and more peaceful when I've taken the time to explore why I believe what I do and why it's important.

I think it's good to ask ourselves, "Why do you believe that?  What makes you want to?  What is it that you are holding onto that you shouldn't?  Why are you taking these situations so personally?  What are you guarding or hiding?  Where are your inconsistencies?  Why does it matter anyway?"

To chew.  Ponder.  Dig.  Uncover.  Fearlessly.  Patiently.  To humbly have the heart of a learner.

photo: pixabay

It takes time.  But it's time well spent.

Maybe convictions come easier to others.  Reasons.  Data.  Faith.

That's awesome.  I'm jealous.

Nothing has come easy to me, or so it seems.  But I'm willing to fight for convictions, reflections, and heart change.  I'm willing to pray - to knock on Heaven's door with my pleas for insight, wisdom and strength.  I'm willing to spend myself and my time seeking God's face.  I pray that I never change.  The adage is true  - the older you get, the more you realize how little you really know.

Then my kids start roughhousing in the kitchen and the leaves outside the window wave frantically to get my attention.

Hello?  Time's up!

I wander to the kitchen and reward my mental workout with a snack.  Surely I burned a couple calories and deserve an extra piece of toast.   What I really want is a nap since I'm mentally drained but I'll settle for a cup of coffee to go with my toast.  I guess.

It's not easy arguing with oneself.

But it's so much easier than finding yourself caught in a real conversation, face to face with flesh and blood and having no real convictions or thoughts on subjects that demand our passion and intelligence.   Truth and grace.  Patience and clarity.

A convictionless life will never change the world.







Resources you may enjoy:
*One of my all-time favorites that provides GREAT application! 'You Can Change', by Tim Chester
*Bestselling book (AWESOME explanation of Christianity) by a former atheist. C.S. Lewis- 'Mere Christianity'




Question:  What conviction have you currently wrestled with?