January Blues

This past week has been a typical January journey of exhaustion and depression.  There's not a simple cause or common denominator between my dark or sad moments. Post Holiday Syndrome or PHS (yes, I just made that up), dark winter skies, exhaustion, and grief of another year passing with specific goals unmet all converge into dark swirling hurricane of the soul.

I'm more direct, less gracious, more prone to speak quickly and listen slowly.  And I want to hide.  
Hide from others.

Hide from responsibility.  

Hide from my ugly self.  

I've determined that dark moments are not all bad though.  I prefer to pray through my broken and flawed self in pitifully desperate moments at home, hiding under my down comforter rather than in a meeting or social situation where my mouth runs away with me.

I have to face my lack of invincibility.  That I can't actually tackle the world.  That I'm fragile and weak despite my best efforts at being valiant and strong.

But it's also in the midst of personal crisis that I determine that I'm okay after all.  That I'm normal.  This is why God gave me Jesus and has offered me grace and forgiveness.  Who am I to not forgive myself for my broken areas, to verbally lash myself for my wanderings, temptations, and faulty reasoning?   Do I know something dark and disgusting about myself that God doesn't?  Nope.  He knows it all.

I'm in desperate need of God's grace in every area of myself. 

I'm the only one that expects me to be perfect and since I'm not, I need to give myself a little breathing room (aka grace).  I pick the battles I'm going to fight, realizing that not every battle is worth fighting.  I determine my attitude - good or otherwise.  I determine my goals, dreams, and priorities as they are filtered through God's truths and choose  to either live them out or wish I had.   I choose to spend time on my knees in prayer, fighting the darkness around me, knowing that this too shall pass...

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Resources you may enjoy:

*Article: The Importance of Quiet time with God

*YouTube: Francis Chan - Crazy Love- Chapter 1 - 'STOP Praying' video (approx 9 minutes)

*Article: What is the Difference Between Mercy and Grace?